I was made to fear that it was for my disobedience. In about one week after, I was attacked with the same fever. We both had a long and tedious spell. During the time it often occurred to me what I had asked God to do with me, and that God was going to answer that prayer, and not only take me, but my wife also. I often plead with God while on my bed to spare my wife, and take me, but God in great mercy spared us both. As soon as my health was restored I went to a prayer meeting, hoping that the brethren would pray for me; but I could not tell them what my distresses were. I tried to keep it a secret, but, by some means, they found out I had established family prayer. And they pretty soon requested me to take part with them in prayer. I tried to beg off, though I felt a desire to do so, hoping it would remove the burden from my mind. They insisted that I should go forward in singing and prayer: I did so, and when I rose from my seat, and while turning the leaves of my hymn book, I commenced talking and begging the brethren and sisters all to pray for me, that God would enable me to do my duty. We sung and I tried to pray, all in a tremor--the first time I had ever prayed in public, or before any save my wife. For a little while I felt some relief, but the tempter said to me, "if I could pray no better than that, I would never try again." And I thought it would be the last time I would try; but I would meet with my brethren again and they would still insist that I should go forward in prayer and it seemed there was no way to get out of it; so I went on in this way for two or three years. But no relief to my mind in reference to preaching; but the burden grew heavier continually. Sometimes I felt so full I would talk a little and then would think the brethren would conclude I was trying to preach; then I would stop short off. All this time was trying to learn how to read the Bible: I would work all day and study half the night. I had a great anxiety to read and understand the Bible. And all the time I had to learn was nights and Sundays. Finally I learned to read a little by spelling the words as I went.

When I got so I could read a little better, I took it for my task to read the Bible through in one year. I did so; and then read it through the next year and so continued till I had read it through four times in four consecutive years; meanwhile praying God to give me an understanding of what I read; so that I might be able to teach it to others; notwithstanding I often felt determined that I would not do it. For with one breath I would ask God to enable me to preach; with the next I would declare I would not do it. No--doubt many will be astonished at my inconsistencies, as well as myself; but so it was.

The brethren and some of the sisters would often say to me, "you will have to preach, and you had as well go at it." I would answer, "No, I cannot." They would sometimes use these expressions in the presence of my wife; it would seem to almost break her heart: she would often ask them never to mention that subject again to her; for she believed that I was determined to try to preach; and she said she had rather follow me to the grave than the pulpit; for she knew I would only be a laughing stock for the people. I do not know who was the most opposed to it, I or my wife. I sometimes thought that her burden and distress on account of it, was about as great as mine, though in a different way. I would often dream of preaching to large congregations, and see and hear them rejoicing. I would plow and preach day after day; and was hardly conscious of the fact that I was plowing. But when I would go to meeting the preacher would preach, and I thought often that his whole discourse was for me;

and when he concluded, would call on me to close the services; and sometimes would say, "if you have anything to say don't keep it back:" but it was seldom that I would say anything more than sing and try to pray; and often I would not do that. So I lived for several years, when I had concluded I could live no longer under such heavy distress; I concluded to leave the country and go where I was not known: so I paid my fare and went to Walton county, put me up a shop and went to work, thinking all was well with me now. I found many precious brethren, sisters and friends, feeling for a short time, that I had accomplished the desired end.

But my trouble soon returned two-fold worse than before, so much so I really felt like I was in the very belly of hell. But in my agony of soul I promised the Lord if He would let me live and go back to Putnam County, I would try to preach. I felt for a time that the Lord had consented to my proposition; but how to accomplish it, or what kind of an excuse to render I could not know; but the Lord and the people in Putnam were already making arrangements to that end entirely out of my sight. I soon received a letter from my old friends in Putnam informing me what they had done, and what they would do, if I would return to Putnam; one would do one thing, and another thing: one would come with his wagon and team and move me back without charge. I read the letter and wept freely for joy, and felt to say, "the Lord is good." I said to my friends, "come on with your wagon and I will be ready to go with you." So I arrived back in my same old neighborhood and church; but still with an aching heart, remembering the promise I had made, that if the Lord would let me go back there, I would try to preach.

The brethren from time to time would offer me a chance to do so, but I really felt no nearer ready than before I left.